|
|
Wednesday, September 5th, 2001
| |
10:10 pm
|
I did it again today.
I did it, and then I smooshed it back together, stuck it in the refrigerator, and tried to pretend it never happened. I peered around, hoping no one had seen the sorry episode.
I had opened the wrong end of the milk carton again. There are few things that can make a human being feel quite as stupid as opening the wrong end of the milk carton.
You?d think I would have learned by now; all those times I?d stood there at the counter, struggling and struggling, wondering why I was unable to perform such a simple task.
Determination overcame me. I WOULD get this milk carton open, no matter what it took. I would, I would, I...
Why won?t you open, devilish milk carton?! Don?t you know I long to taste your creamy, refreshing contents? Why must you beguile me so? Who glued you? Damn those factory workers who set out to humiliate me.
I could see the scene now?
?Hey, Mal, you ever think about what kind of power we have, being milk carton gluers and all??
?Naw, Henry, what?cha mean??
?Watch this,? Mal would say, applying an extra dollop of glue to the carton opening, then holding it shut to dry. ?Now try to open it.?
Toothless Henry would pull and pull, but the carton would refuse to budge.
?Boy howdy, Henry, imagine all those spoiled suckers when they get these suped-up cartons home, an? their miserable kids cry for Oreos, an? their mouths have to stay parched because Ma and Pa can?t get the carton open.?
?Oh, yeah, Mal! It?ll be just like the commercial!?
Just like the commercial, indeed. I stood there, foaming at the mouth, both hands firmly planted on the stubbornly closed spout, feet widely apart, emitting jungle cries as I yanked with all my might.
?We shall... we shall not be moved,? taunted the two halves of the deviant milk carton spout.
?You shall and you will!? I hollered back, my face invading the carton?s personal space. ?I don?t care if you wind up torn and mangled, but you will concede my power over you!?
I could hear the faint echoes of giggles from the factory workers gone by. It was a vast milk carton conspiracy, I decided. And I would not submit. I would stand up for all of those milk consumers who couldn?t speak for themselves. I would strike a blow for humanity, and triumph over this cruel, under-supervised factory worker constituency.
?Separate, you insolent spout halves!? I bellowed, red-faced and exhausted. Beads of sweat adorned my brow, and I knew I didn?t have much more in me. But I wouldn?t let it show. Never show an enemy your weakness. I was SuperJess, Lord of the Lactose, Diva of Dairy, Soldier of the Stationary Spouts, and Person Who Is Pretty Impressive With Alliteration, too.
?Think of the cows,? I implored breathlessly, now prying with power tools. ?The cows wouldn?t want it this way!?
I knew it sounded desperate, but I was at wit?s end. I felt the tears of defeat stinging the back of my throat, and I couldn?t even wash them down with cool, fulfilling milk.
?Please, please,? I begged. In one final, humbled swipe, I felt something give under my fingers. A brief but unmistakable rip. I looked up with moist eyes and saw a beautiful sight: a severely mutilated, but slightly parted spout.
?I KNEW you?d admit defeat!?
With new-found vigor, I laughed maniacally and brought the carton to my dried lips, guzzling it straight, milk spilling everywhere. I slammed it back to the counter in triumph, launching my victory speech.
?This is for all the little grandmothers whose arthritic hands shouldn?t have to endure this kind of torment,? I began. ?And for the children! The children who...?
That?s when I saw it. The lousy, conspicuous order that was certainly hiding when I began this adventure: ?Open other end.?
A superhero whose cape suddenly felt too constricting, I hid the container in the back of the refrigerator, resigned to hide among the four-week old cream cheese and questionable cold cuts. And somewhere, somehow, I just knew there was a disgruntled factory worker who had just seen his perfect revenge.
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, September 1st, 2001
| |
8:25 pm - hoo ha
|
|
schoooool is for looosers.. but hrmm what does that make me? well i gotta go clean my room so i can go to the glorious 104 fest with my glorious, drum playing freind megan..... HOO HA!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
| |
2:26 pm
|
|
I got two goldfish... in other news, meg is being very abrupt with me.. wonder what i did now.. I need to start a band. . my guitar is just sitting there all sad. .
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 19th, 2001
| |
5:26 pm - UGH!
|
OH GROSS! ive gone in the woods the past two days, and i got a tick! EWW! on my leg! my dad took it out for me.... EWWWWWWWWWW ! well it wasnt in long enough to give me lyme disease or anything i dont think, but im gonna get checked anyways.. GROSSS! lol i hate bugs.. and one was on me.. GROOOOOOOOSSS!
ok im glad i told you all that lovely story.. well im going on a train and a boat tomorrow. yay. k bye
current mood:  annoyed
current music: me saying GROSS over and over again... ::shudder::
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
| |
12:55 am - ah HA!
|
|
| Tuesday, July 10th, 2001
| |
5:09 pm
|
|
| Monday, July 9th, 2001
| |
4:10 pm - GOD IM BORED
|
1) Full name: Jessica Kathleen Dowling
2) Birthday: September 29th, 1986
3) Last time you showered: back in the day.. lol no, last night
4) What color pants do you have on right now?: blue
5) What is the last thing you said?: dammit
6) What is the color of your computer desk? wood
7) What song are you listening to right now?: none
8) Last 4 digits in your phone # : 2154
9) Last thing you ate: bagel
10) Weirdest name you have ever heard: raffaella (its my sisters name.. hahaha!)
11) Fav. radio station: Krock... no... 104! i go to concert! ha HA!
12) If you were a crayon, what color would you be: black as the night itself
13) Last movie you saw: excuse me... THE PRINCESS BRIDE?!?
14) Where do you wanna go on your honeymoon? australia
15) Have you ever really been in love?: probably not
16) Who do you wanna marry?: im gonna be a fuckin' nun
17) Last book you read: uh.... THE PRINCESS BRIDE?!? haha
18) Do you have a pager?: no
19) Lava lamp?: lol yes... for the whore house i run... lol no seriously i have one
20) How many buds on buddy list?: not too many.... i dont talk to everyone on it, either
21) What's the weather?: sunny
24) Have you ever been skinny dipping?: oh god no... save the children
25) Who are you talking to online right now?: brian and RODNEY! haha
26) Full name backwards: gnilwod neelhtak acissej
27) Screen name: Jesscoot
28) Sexiest thing about the opposite sex: hmm..eyes.. and collarbones! (yeah, im a freak)
29) If you had a genie what wishes would you make?: some goddamn luck with these idiots we call boys.... oh. and uh.. world peace?
30) Where ya going tomorrow?: guitar teaching learning crap
31) Who do you most admire: OMG! THE BACKSTREET BOYS! THEY ARE SO, LIKE... DEEP! haha NO!
32) Fav. out of Backstreet Boy/*Nsync: which ever one i kill last.... uh... i mean... the one with the ... brown eyes
33) Do you like the person who sent this to you: i copied it from megan... cause i LOVE megan
34) If you were stuck on a deserted island who, of the opposite sex, would you want to be there with You?: i agree with meg.. someone with a boat.. no... a yacht
35) Would you pierce your nose, tongue, or bellybutton?: eyebrow
36) Be serious or funny?: funny
37) Boxers or briefs?: wellll..... thats a boy question
38) Whole or Skim Milk?: skim
39) Single or taken?: im single unfortunatly
40) Simple or complicated?: ha! like i have a choice! its always complicated
41) Law or anarchy?: uh... i dunnooo
42) Grey or Gray?: grey
43) Night or Day?: night
44) Color or black-and-white photos?: black and white
45) Sunrise or Sunset?: sunset
46) Rap or Rock?: rock
47) Stay up late or get up late?: ha! both!
48) Bath or shower?: bath
50) X or O in Tic-Tac-Toe?: O
51) Eat an apple or an orange?: apple
52) What came first the chicken or the egg?: well first the chicken came to my house, and we had tea
53) Tall or short guys/girls?: tall.. lol i have no choice in that, either..
54) Sun or moon?: moon
55) Emerald or ruby?: ruby
56) Pants or shorts?: pants
57) Left or right?: right
58) 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend?: both.... biotch!
59) Quantity or quality?: haha what does this meannnn??
60) Vanilla or chocolate ice cream?: vanilla cause you can put stuff in it!
61) Cindy Crawford or that Russian chick from Victoria's Secret?!: Um... lol i duno
62) Green beans or carrots?: carrots
63) Low fat or fat free?: fat free
64) hair in pony tail or leave it down?: down
65) Silver jewelry or gold jewelry?: Silver
66) Kids or no kids?: kids............. goats!! haha
67) Dogs or cats?: dogs
68) Half full or half empty?: empty
69) Mustard or Ketchup?: ketchup
70) Hardcover books or soft cover books?: hardcover
71) Newspaper or magazine?: magazine
72) Catsup or Ketchup?: ketchup..
73) Sandals or sneakers?: sneakers.. SO I DONT BREAK MY FRIGGIN TOE AGAIN
74) Wonder or amazement?: amazement
75) Red car or white car?: red
76) Happy and poor or rich and sad?: happy and poor
77) Singing or dancing?: singing
78) Hug or kiss?: both
79) Corduroy or plaid?: plaid
80) Happy or sad?: Happy
81) Live or die?: Live
82) Ben Affleck or Matt Damon? hmm..... uh... NO!
83) Fav. Person online: brian!
85) Fav movie: the princess bride ..lol OH yes
86) Fav. Drink: lemonade
87) Fav. Actor: cary elwes or ben stiller or edward norton
88) Fav. Actress: hmm i dunno
89) Fav. Singer: dave grohl, rivers cuomo
90) Fav. Musical Group: Foo Fighters, Weezer, new found glory, SUM 41!!
91) Fav. Car: BMW m 5..... RIGHT BRIAN!??
92) Fav. T.V show?: buffy
93) Friends? do i like the show??? eh, its ok
94) What color hair do you prefer for the opposite sex: dark
96) Coke or Pepsi?: coke
97) Fav. store in the mall: hot topic, pac sun
98) Fav. store anywhere: i dunoo
99) Siblings:raffa y devin
100) How many?: two
101) Did this survey suck? yes
102) Least fav. Subject in school: math
104) Favorite teacher: mr. knapp
105) Person you are sending this to that you least expect to send it out: no!
106) Person you are sending this to that you most expect to send this back?: no!
107) Who do you like?: NOONE! seriously everyone is weird and corny
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 8th, 2001
| |
7:57 pm
|
|
| Saturday, July 7th, 2001
| |
2:38 am
|
Megan is back! this makes me happy! HMM... what DOESNT make me happy? OH! i know! slamming my toe into a stainless steel garbage can, going to the ER, hmm.. oh yeah, and then finding out i shattered the bone, and whenever i put pressure on it, little bone shards DIG INTO MY NERVES. yeah, that hurts. No, not pain. EXCRUCIATING pain. Yeah, so i cant walk for a few days. OW.
Innnnnnn other news... its almost three and i cant sleep. Well, off to watch "the princess bride" again.. haha i am the BIGGEST dork... i know. you neednt remind me...lol
current mood:  awake
current music: late night infomercials.. salad shooter..must...buy ...it...
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, June 29th, 2001
| |
11:22 pm - another completely random rant.
|
Modern art. Look! the artist just took a huge crap on canvass and he's calling it art. See the steam rising? That represents his inner child?s growing frustration with lazy ass artists. Deep, huh? Yeah, well at least it took some effort on his part. From that standpoint, compared to what a lot of artists are crapping out these days, it?s the Sistine Chapel.
Take a recent showing at The Custard Factory, a London-based art gallery that unveiled an exhibit containing nothing. An entire gallery, empty ? except for a few scraps of paper taped to the walls, weaving some classic bullshit like ?Exhibit being constructed in your head? and ?Use your imagination?.
Use your imagination, artboy. Or use a brush. But for the love of God, do SOMETHING.
Now don?t get me wrong ? I love art. But this represents everything that is wrong with art today. Zero imagination and even less effort. You may be inclined to look at art like this and think ?Well, it must be so heady, so beyond conventional thinking, that an average joe like me just doesn?t get it.?
Nope. Your first reaction was correct. It blows. You?d find more deep thinking inside a McNugget. Hey, if I can look at a work of art and determine with complete certainty that I could do it, trust me - it sucks big time.
My theory is this: The artist smoked bongs for nine straight months and came up with this ?exhibit being constructed in your head? thing the night before, just to save his own lazy ass. But this artist isn?t alone. Oh no. You?ve seen it on many levels ? like the canvasses that are painted entirely black. Then the artist will claim it represents complete depression or something. Paying admission only to come across this shit ? that?s complete depression.
So I?m launching a new gallery dedicated to this kind of ?new? art. Which is going to work out beautifully, since it will require no effort on my part. I?m taking London one further. Not only will it be devoid of art, but of a gallery as well. I?m launching it in my head. Near the top of my cerebellum you?ll find a piece entitled ? ?. Hey, use your imagination, people. If I get enough praise from the art press, I can go back to smoking bongs until my next exhibit, which will be unveiled as part of a wormhole on the space-time continuum. Admission is $6 plus transportation.
I wonder what some of the legendary artists, like Pollack or Munch or Picasso, must think of this dribble. I can just see Mr. I Drew A Circle On The Sidewalk In Five Minutes walking underneath Michaelangelo, shaking his head at the great one as he spouts ?Give it a rest, chapel-boy. Let?s grab a brew, write a press release and call it a day.?
Or Ms. I Glued A Schlitz Can To A Cinder Block asking Jackson Pollack ?Hey, where do you get that stuff? No, not the ideas. The paints and brushes.?
It?s called talent, imagination and effort. Plus heroin, a cognac i.v., cross-dressing or whatever such like-minded geniuses need to remain inspired. Hey, it?s the result that matters.
So the next time you walk into a gallery ? and I hope you do, because there are so many incredibly moving, legitimate works of art you couldn?t see them all in three lifetimes ? save yourself some time and skip the experimental, groundbreaking new work. Instead, head to Denny?s Restaurant and check out the plastic food display cart or something. You?ll find Rico the kitchen boy puts more passion, sweat and tears into ?Shellacked Au Gratins In Crock? than most of today?s new modern artists put into their work.
And if the mood strikes you, toss your ?Moons Over My Hammy? skillet breakfast onto the wall, sign it and call the New York Times. Just make sure you?ve got some solid gold bullshit to go along with it.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: will smith (WHY GOD?! WHY?! WHY IS THIS ON THE RADIO?!??!?
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, June 27th, 2001
| |
7:49 pm - Egyptians. quality goodness.
|
Egyptians. Now there's a race to admire. A race that really knew how to say "fuck it, we're all gonna live in big triangles". They decided to write books, but "hey, don't write'm on paper, put'em on this big ass stone wall, it'll last longer!" and most importantly, they were the first civilization that said "hey, take all that dead guy's organs and put'em in this jar, we might need'me later. Hmm? What? What should you do with the dead guy? Hmmm...good question. Hey, here's an idea - wrap him up in white bandages. That way he won't get sunburned on our annual "take all the dead people to the beach" day...We don't think about them that often though...they're all but gone.
Here's a race that was perhaps the most mysterious that our world has ever seen. They pioneered all kinds of science, architecture, mathematics. They set the stage for modern day, and now they're the subject of breakfast cereals and tv commercials.
I for one feel that we should start taking Egyptians more seriously. We should try to incorporate them back into our society, our business world, our way fo life.
Lord knows (or should I say the gods know...he he, I love myself) that it must be fun being an egyptian. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see an ordinary teenage girl, wearing shorts. But if I was an egyptian, I'd be tan. I'd also have a big obnoxius egyptian hat, and I'd be able to threaten people with "the curse of the mummy" if I didn't get what I want. That would probably work good as a pickup line -
Egyptian -"Excuse me, is this seat taken"
Guy- "What's with the outfit, dork? Nice hat...go away, you bug me"
Egyptian - "have a drink with me, or a big mummy with come to your house and remove all of you internal organs with a coat hanger"
Guy - "Do you like scotch?"
You see? There's tons of advantages to being egyptian, and the least of all is you get to learn how to spell fun words like "hieroglyphs". so there! Egypt is COOL
current mood:  creative
current music: The Bangles- Walk Like an Egyptian (inspiration, i say! )
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
| |
10:36 pm - Call out for egg rolls!
|
my guitar came! it is VERY nice..... i got a new amp today, too... with the friggin coolest distortion ever.. i got some new picks too... i guess im all set. Ya know what i was thinking? Ive been pretty happy lately... not much is bad right now. And thats, well, good.
i sold those cheesy concert tickets i won on ebay for 94 dollars... this, too, is good. Speaking of concerts, im going to Colorado this summer, and i hope to catch a couple of them.. Green day or Eric clapton, or both.. Green Day ROCKs and eric clapton is, well, classic. .. either way, it should be cool. Oh and ya know what else is going on in Colorado while im there? RIVERDANCE! oooooo, cant miss that one! haha...well i really dont have anything else to say... bye.
current mood:  amused
current music: Green Day- Basket Case
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 25th, 2001
| |
10:06 pm - JESS IS BORED
|
im really bored...blahhhh.. nothing to dooo.. my guitar STILL didnt come .. and one of the strings on my acoustic broke... ahhh i have nothing to play at the moment.. and when i dont have a guitar around i get reaaaaaall antsy.. im gonna go run down my street yelling.. thats always fun. or maybe ill go write a song... OH WAIT.. NO GUITAR.. lol well i can still do lyrics.. ill put 'em up here if there any good... Lets see what else is going on... Ive had some pat benetar song stuck in my head all day. Never mind starving children in somalia... pat benetar on the brain is SAD. I went to new jersey today.. new jersey sucks ass. allright im gonna go pass out on my kitchen floor.. later!
current mood:  bored
current music: Led Zeppelin- Stairway to heaven
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, June 22nd, 2001
| |
6:50 pm - woo
|
havent written in a while.. not a whole lot to say. I got a new guitar but there was some shipping mixup so its not coming till wednesday... my luck. uh im gonna be volunteering all day tomorrow ..... k thats really all... oh i had lots of fun when megan came over... k bye
current mood:  blah
current music: nothing.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, June 17th, 2001
| |
10:20 pm - ooo wee oo i look just like buddy holly... ah oh and your mary tyler moore... i dont care what they say about us anyways.. i dont care about that
|
purty good mood... no one could come over today, but megan is sleeping over tomorrow! yaay! it shall be a fun fun day fun fun happy day.. lol woo hoo! and me and ashley are gonna make roaring sock puppets.... YEAH! lol well i havent much to say, but im sure i will tomorrow with crazy megan...haha later!
current mood: excited
current music: weezer- buddy holly
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 14th, 2001
| |
9:54 pm - woo hoo!
|
|
| Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
| |
4:06 pm - PENGUIN POSTCARDS ARE ONLY FOR US COOL PEOPLE
|
|
oooh! brian got me a postcard that says "one by one, the penguins steal my sanity" haha penguins rock! lol i dunno why but this postcard makes me very happy. hahahah
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
3:57 pm - fucking shit.... this popcorn tastes like somebody jizzed all over it! (adam sandler)
|
HELLO! Ah yes, and the good mood continues.. i have a pressing feeling that it will be a lasting thing. MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM RULES THE WORLD! thought id mention that. So anyways, im doing purrrty good, and im not gonna study for the math final... SO THERE! BLAH! hahah... i am REALLY REALLY bored right now. Ill go mess around . ..... with my webpage, you weirdos.
current mood: artistic
current music: Soundgarden- Black Hole Sun
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
| |
9:57 pm
|
I AM IN A VERY GOOD MOOD. i told him i liked him, he said he just wanted to be freinds.... haha OH FUCKING WELL! hhahahah! lol im not half as upset as i thought id be... haha i realized something... if this is the WORST it can get, then guess what? its not that bad! i am OK! haha i just realized that this DOESNT matter at ALL! lol so fucking what if ONE of my high school crushes doesnt like me back..... SO WHAT?!?!? it just doesnt matter! haha i realized ALL of this ALL of a sudden!!! hahahahaha i feel very great. And believe it or not, this gave me much more self confidence (it didnt like take it away) because now i know its HIS loss, and i just dont care! i can do so much better! Haha and no, im not in denial, i just realize that in the big picture, i was the one who had the balls (figuratively speaking, of course) to say what i felt, and i feel better for it! haha this is wonderful .... i feel nice. haha!
current mood: ecstatic
current music: FOO FIGHTERS- BREAKOUT! (OH YES!)
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
5:19 pm - AH!
|
im not allowed on the computer i said i had to come on to get history notes. my life sucks ASS. I'll try and write more later when all the assinine people in my house are asleep. later.
current mood:  restless
current music: background yelling.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
leprechaun929's journal
sad
energetic